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Wednesday, 25 July 2012

You Know You're Bored When You Wind Up Africans...

Do you ever get junk mail for lucrative bank transactions in Africa like this?

Dear friend,

I hope that you will not expose or betray this trust that I am about to impose on you. I decided to contact you to help me actualise this business for the mutual benefit of both our families. My name is Mr Absolon Acelet the Auditing and Accounting section manager in Bank of Africa Burkina Faso, there is one of our customers who have made fixed deposit of sum of ($8.2)million for 7 years and upon maturity; I sent the notification to his address, but no response. After few months, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his business partner that he died after a brief illness in his country. We tried everything humanly possible to locate his relatives or family, but all efforts failed. The deposit is still intact with my bank and the interest is being paid into the principal sum at the end of each year.

If the fund remains in the account for more months, the fund will be confiscated and transferred into the treasury of the Government as unclaimed funds. This is why I contact you for joining hands with the honesty and truth to ensure that the fund is transferred into your bank account, a bank account anywhere in the world can help the transfer. All that is required of you is to contact my bank with the information I will send you as the next of kin or a business associate of the depositor with this system the fund will be paid into a bank account you will provide to the bank. To be honest with you, this is totally legal and 100% risk free.

But the secret must remain between you and me, I have worked with this bank for many years and I know all the secrets and I have carefully mapped out my perfect strategies to handle this operation successfully. The depositor is my close friend before his death that is the main reason why I'm the only one working at the bank here that knows much about the existence of this fund and the secrets and the depositor. We will also use some part of the funds to help the orphanage and less privileged children in the world.

Please keep this proposal as a secret between us and delete it immediately in your mail box if you are not interested.
But if you are interested give me an answer immediately.

I await your response.

Mr Absolon Acelet.

Do you ever respond? I decided I would...

Dear Mr Acelet,

How nice that you have contacted me as your friend but I am very confused as to why you did not email me from your work email at the Bank of Africa Burkina Faso? No doubt to keep the secrecy - a good plan.

It would indeed be a shame for all that money to enter into the hands of the fat cat government of Burkina Faso, I hear your streets are paved with gold despite the lies that Wikipedia tells me of you having one of the lowest GDP per capita figures in the world.

It is very unfortunate that you have not been able to contact your banking client and that you have been unable to contact his relatives despite trying everything humanely possible, but how fortunate you have managed to contact me instead, your pal.

Your secret is safe with me friend and I look forward to your carefully mapped out strategy and to your supplying your bank details so that we can get your proposal under way.

Yours with honesty and truth

Your friend.

The response was a tad generic...

Dear friend,

Thank you for your response and I am giving you a comprehensive detail of this transaction with the hope to clarify you better. I am contacting you to assist me to secure this fund in your bank account based on a practical fate. I have not seen you for the first time nor know much about you. I contacted you on trust, believing that you will not let me down or run away with this fund at the end. As a matter of fact I need your assistance to make this transaction. I am very confident about its successful accomplishment as it is at my place of work. I have been working in the bank for so many years and will not like any blackmail or a defile of my image and reputation. So I would advise you to keep this transaction as top-secret until this fund is transferred into your bank account.

All that will be required of you is to contact my bank as the next of kin to our late customer and with my position the bank will approve you as the next of kin and transferred the fund to you as the true inheritor. I also want you to understand that this transaction is 100% risk free as far as am concern. I am here to guide you with all the necessary information’s to ensure a smooth and successful transfer of this fund to you. This transaction will not last more than 14 bank working days in as much as you will be working towards my directives. I know very well that you might be weary of the fact that you are not in any way related to the deceased man but according to the laws in Burkina Faso one must not be a relative to the deceased in order to inherit his/her asset, having taken note of this laws I have decided to present you to my bank as a business associate to the deceased which you know that somebody's business associate can come from any part of the world so it doesn't matter your origin. 

I will make sure anything with regards to the transfer is deleted from the bank's files immediately the fund hit your bank account. You should not have any fears as I have checked everything before deciding to engage on the transfer. Following the discovery of this account and the bank's recommendation confiscate the fund to the apex bank as unclaimed bills, warranted my search for an honest person to partner with me for the claim. The total sum will be shared as follows: 50% for me, 40% for you, while 10% shall be for orphanage and less privileged. 

If this proposal is acceptable by you, kindly confirm the above information through this my private email and further communication should be through this email only, I will guide you on how to contact my bank for the transfer.

1) Your full name.
2) Phone, fax and mobile.
3) Company name, position and address.
4) Profession, age and marital status.

I am waiting for your response. 


Mr Absolon Acelet.

But I was enjoying my amusement....

 Dear Mr Acelet,

 Be assured that I shall treat this transaction as top secret. You have asked me to contact your bank but have not provided contact details, may I have them please?  

I'm not sure I'm happy about the 10% of my share going to orphans and the less privileged, I think that should come out of your share as it was your idea and the split should be 50% for me, 10% for the orphans and 40% for you. I think you need to learn to not be greedy but I am willing to overlook this for now. 

1) My name is full is Edwina Mary Wafflewhip
2) I do not have a fax number but as you have kindly assured me you will only communicate over email I trust you do not need any of my phone numbers
3) I work for Slugs Incorporated, I am the CEO
4) As mentioned I am the CEO of Slugs Incorporated, I am 52 and single (and looking) 

Sincerest regards 

Edwina Wafflewhip

 PS - I have retitled the subject of this email to "Elderflower Cordial" to throw the authorities of the scent!!

I have too much time on my hands this week....

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